When the Expert Becomes the Learner: Acknowledging the Raw Reality of Parenting
On social media, you probably saw the highlights of my recent two-week "work trip"—the fun outings, the seemingly effortless juggle of professional responsibilities and full-time toddler care. And it's true, we made some incredible memories, and I genuinely celebrated every small victory in keeping all the plates spinning. But if I'm being honest, a lot of those posts were as much for me as they were for you—a way to keep my spirits high in the midst of the chaos.
Now that I'm back home, the dust has settled, and I've had a moment to breathe, I can finally acknowledge the parts that didn't make it to the feed. Because let's be real, mommying solo, especially away from your routine, is incredibly hard.
My little one, who had been a potty-training champ, regressed significantly during our second leg in Vegas, spending more time in pull-ups than underwear. Her tantrums, already a familiar foe, increased in both frequency and intensity, sometimes even escalating to hitting. And her already particular eating habits narrowed to an almost exclusive diet of Pringles and apple juice—a battle, to our weary selves, that just wasn't worth fighting.
Initially, I found myself leaning into what I'd absorbed from podcasts and online discussions about "The Sovereign Child." This philosophy, similar to the "FAFO" (F*** Around and Find Out) approach many millennials are embracing, is all about allowing children to make their own choices and learn from the natural consequences. I reminded myself that these behaviors are developmentally expected, especially when routines are uprooted and there's so much newness, and lectured myself on the importance of flexibility and acceptance, trusting her inherent ability to self-regulate while I attempted to co-regulate.
Then, during a visit with my niece, she innocently asked, "Have you guys tried timers?" This was after she'd spent three days in a row with us and had personally witnessed Lumi's strong resistance to leaving fun, new activities.
My immediate internal reaction was a mix of surprise and, frankly, a touch of offense. Of course, I've tried timers! As a BCBA, I've introduced them to my child (and countless clients) even before she was a year old! The question felt almost dismissive of my professional background.
But her simple question was a much-needed jolt back to reality. It made me realize that in the thick of it—exhausted, overwhelmed, and solo parenting in an unfamiliar environment—I had completely overlooked the very tools I constantly encourage my clients to use: visual schedules, extra priming, leveraging motivating operations, and focusing on antecedent strategies. My professional training, the very science of behavior I rely on daily, had been temporarily overshadowed by reactive parenting and the readily available, but not always applicable, advice found online. I was reacting to every fire rather than proactively preventing them.
It was a humbling moment. Despite all my knowledge and expertise in behavior, and even my philosophical leanings towards child autonomy, the raw, in-the-moment experience of being a working mom and sole caregiver for a toddler stripped away all my academic armor. It reminded me that parenting is not a textbook, and even experts can lose their way when immersed in the emotional and physical demands of the moment.
I'll share more later about what didn't work and what I should have done differently. But for now, I just want to sit in this space of acknowledgment. Because sometimes, the most profound lessons are learned not from what we teach, but from what we experience when we're truly vulnerable.
Resources on "The Sovereign Child" and Related Philosophies:
The Sovereign Child by Aaron Stupple: This book is a core text for the "Taking Children Seriously" movement, which aligns with the "Sovereign Child" philosophy. You can find more about it and related ideas on websites like:
Taking Children Seriously (TCS): This broader philosophy, championed by authors like David Deutsch, emphasizes treating children as rational individuals and knowledge-creators, prioritizing understanding and cooperation over coercion. Many discussions around "The Sovereign Child" are rooted in TCS. You might find relevant discussions on:
Taking Children Seriously Blog/Resources (You may find links to articles and discussions here.)
FAFO Parenting (F*** Around and Find Out): While not a formal philosophy with specific texts, this approach is trending on social media and emphasizes allowing children to learn from natural consequences in low-stakes situations. You can find discussions on:
